My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
