I puked a lego.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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