So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
