Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
