I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
