He uses pillows to masturbate.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What drink are we having for lunch?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
