my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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