i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
