so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
