u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
