how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
