I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
