wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
