Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
