The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
accomplished twins. life is a go
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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