sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
