He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
