Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
