Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
