She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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