I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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