I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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