I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
