My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
