Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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