I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
