Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
