I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
