What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
