I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
