Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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