I wanna passion pit in your ass
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
