apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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