my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
