I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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