Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
