Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
