My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
