I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
