He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
