No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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