I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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