barbara walters just said penis...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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