My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
