why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
