My Higher Power is John Stamos
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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