i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
