Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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