I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
