Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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