I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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